Dark Days Behind.

you haven't heard from me much this year.

life and lifes experiences got a little overwhelming for me,

so i've been kinda stuck in a rut just going through the motions

to make it to the end of the day, then the week and then the month.

hoping that one day i'll wake up and it will be better.

life kinda beat up on me and i've been letting it.

as i went through some old photos today i realised 

that i have completely stopped doing some things for me,

i have stopped taking photos and stopped blogging.

two things that i love and are my outlets.

so today i have decided that i'm going to fight back a little.

a lot has happened,

some of which will just stay in my heart because it's too hard to write still.

growing up in a church that teaches "families are forever" you think that's exactly what will happen.

that my family will be together forever and that fills you with such joy.

but no-one prepares you for if your parents do split up.

my parents split up last year and for me this broke me.

my whole foundation of eternal families was shattered.

my dad suffers from mental illness,

he had brain tumours taken out in 2016 and from this his mental well-being spiralled out of control.

the ability to use rational thinking was no longer in his control.

my mum has suffered and endured a lot during the 39 years of marriage

and was always helping him work through his mental illnesses,

so it wouldn't destroy him and our family.

he became very aggressive and honestly i completely different person.

in a church that believes in eternal families,

i feel sometimes embarrassed and ashamed to say that my parents are divorced

because who wants to admit that.

i have spent many days and nights pleading for this to just all go away and stop

because bearing it was just too hard.

two things i thought that would never happen in my life are

1. i wouldn't have an immediate family member die

2. my parents wouldn't get divorced.

both those things have happened to me.

i have thought what did i do so wrong in life to have these things placed in my life.

i have watched my little bracky in tears because he doesn't understand why this is happening

and why he can't see his grampy.

it has taken me 2 years to realise that,

there is no perfect family no matter how perfect they look on instagram or facebook,

with theses experiences/trials heavenly father has placed in my life 

i can relate to more people and hopefully help them

and that people always have agency.
- we will be an eternal family but who chooses to be apart of that is up to them.

i'm still working through my emotions about this situation,

i take them as they come. 

even though this post if all over the place,

i hope by opening up and writing about something 

that is super close and personal,

it can help someone else out there that life's beating up on.

you've got this !