New Year, New Resolution

as every new year begins jevan and i sit down and set goals.

we set them for ourselves, our children and our family.

since late teenage-hood to even today i have struggled with my body image, my weight, my facial hair, my breakouts, my thighs and butt really just hate me.

and for this reason and this reason alone i do not own a pair of scales.

i cannot jump onto a pair of scales because if i am over my ideal number i will pull back on what i am eating, by no means is this ok.

i should be happy with myself and what i look like.

i can't look at magazines because photoshop does wonders and the people in there look AMAZING.

i know that it's not real because of all the airbrushing that goes on.

but it still doesn't help mentally how i feel or think about myself.

i don't know why the media can't embrace women's natural figures and even cellulite.

it would help us non-celebrity folk to feel that we are doing ok.

jevan tells me how beautiful i look everyday - even when i just want to crawl up in a ball because im having a "fat" day.

so this year my goal is to be happy with my self and my body.

i want to be happy with who i am and what i look like.

be able to wear whatever i feel like and feel confident in what i am wearing.

i don't write this for sympathy or for the "but you look great" comments.

i write this simply to let other women that put this pressure on themselves that you are beautiful and hi-5 to cellulite and curvaceous figures, we are healthy and that is all that matters. 

The Year Passed

as the new year approaches, i have found time to reflect on the year that has just passed.

if i could sum up this year in one word it would be Hard.

it was one of the most challenging years i have faced.

mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

there were times where i thought i cannot do this anymore.

jevan has chosen the profession of auditing which takes him away from the home for 6 months of the year, add full time study and a time consuming calling on top of that and you have a husband that spends the minority of his time at home.

i had to adjust alot to these changes which in the beginning i struggled with, but with help i was able to work through these.

makai went through times of struggle where i sometimes would sit on my bed and with tears in my eyes and pray that i would be able to have the patience for him.

my own spiritual well-being took a beating for months and months which was so draining.

this year was not the relaxing year i had hoped for but because of all these trials and challenges i learnt so much about myself, i learnt what i can really do, who i have faith in and now looking back i am glad that i didn't have a relaxing year, i'm glad it was filled with challenging moments that were there for a time and season because without those moments i wouldn't have been grateful for the amazing sweet and tender moments i got along to way.

makai overcame so much at the end of this year, i am so proud of him and his quiet achievements.

i'm so grateful for the people that were put in his life throughout this year.

braxton may just be hitting the terrible two's in this last week but he has been a delight for the majority of the year, his own little personality really started to shine this year.

jevan has never worked so hard since i've met him, he is such a great example to me and the best husband and father i could have ever hoped for. together this year we have really learnt the true meaning of marriage.

as i sit here and think of the new year i cannot even imagine what is in store for me on my journey but i know it will be for my benefit - even if i may not like it.

One By One

today i was reminded off my mum to do a very simple thing.

count all the things i HAVE been blessed with,

instead of thinking of all the things i want or don't have.

somedays i guess you compare yourself to other people and we shouldn't.

i am grateful for a husband who took me to the temple.

i am grateful for 2 and a quarter beautiful, healthy boys.

i am grateful for family.

i am grateful to be a mother.

i am grateful to be healthy.

i am grateful for clean water and food to eat.

i am grateful for the money that i have to buy all the necessities in life.

i am grateful for friendships.

i am grateful to be a latter day saint.

i am grateful for a house to live in.

the list could really go on and on and on !

i have to admit that sometimes i become a bit of a downer and instead of saying i'm grateful for and finishing the statements off at the full stop, i replace it with a but i wish or i want.

life needs to be full of more thanking and less complaining.

Mrs Ormsby

when you get engaged all you think about is planning the wedding.

then once that is all over life will just fall into place and live happily ever after, right ?!

WRONG.

i've learnt that life always have something different in store for us.

when jevan and i got married i thought of all the time i'll get to spend with him, we will have kids and spend all weekend doing amazing family dates with one another, we would be able to go on couple dates regularly, ya know things like that.

i can't lie this year has seen alot of change in our family and some have been tough.

some expected, some we did not see coming in a million years.

we moved out into our first family home, jevan started a full-time job after completing 3 years at uni, jevan then began his full-time chartered accounting course, i fell pregnant and had ridiculous morning sickness and jevan got a new calling at church which takes him away from the home alot.

sometimes i find it really really difficult to deal with what life hands out.

all i can say is my happily ever after mindset has been replaced by reality.

when i see families all going out on the weekends, when makai asks why can't daddy play with us today i have to say to myself "this will all be worth it in the end."

i don't want people to think that i'm complaining because i'm not, i just want people to know that it's ok to be overwhelmed by it all and it's ok to feel like it's all to hard.

i am like super hormonal right now, this baby have turned me into a crying machine - and if you know me very well you know that i hate crying in front of people.

so i have spent alot of time crying this past month and honestly sometimes i don't even know why.

life is just hard sometimes - all those women who can manage all this and not complain hi-5 to you guys, you need to tell me your secrets because sometimes it just consumes me and becomes all abit to much and you guessed it - i cry.

i guess the key is finding joy in the journey.