Date 1/12

new zealand taught us that we really need to take more time out to spend with each other.

so this year jevan and i have made it our goal to plan and go on a date once a month.

we are terrible at dates and rarely actually plan one.

jevan also had an idea that we each get a month to plan the date for.

last month we had zero and i literally mean ZERO mula for it.

so jevan planned an early morning hike and swim.

we did the narrabeen to warriewood hike.

we found this private beach in between that i have never heard of before.

it was beautiful and there was only a handful of people there.

perfect place for a swim.

the water was so fresh and rejuvenating and it was just what i needed.

Officially A Threenager

my baby boy is three.

*insert ugly crying face emoji*

i cannot believe he is three.

and he sure is acting like a threenager already.

he is definitely one big mumma's boy,

and i love it.

he is a peppa pig lover, lego builder, train and boat watcher and a sport lover.

he asked for three specific things for his birthday.

a watch, a big basketball and a bicycle.

and he got all of those things he asked for.

we went train riding for 2 hours and stopped for a donut in between.

he could have gone all day long.

we came home after that and he rode his bike up and down the drive-way.

we picked up the boys from school and his cousins came over for a little party.

we ended the night of singing happy birthday, eating cake and watching pete's dragon.

this little boy thought he was the most specialist boy in the whole world.

and he was right except to me he's the most specialist boy everyday.

happy birthday to our little red.

here's to another year of cheekiness and sassiness.

Aquarium Trip

we had the craziest day on saturday.

baptism, aquarium, waratahs game.

and it didn't all quite go as it was meant to.

i envisioned this perfect day of waking up, having breakfast as a family, packing snacks for the city trip, going to the baptism, leaving straight to the city after, walking around the aquarium nice and slowly with the boys loving all the exhibitions, having ice-cream, having a little play around darling harbour, having dinner before heading to the warpath's game with plenty of time to spare so we didn't have to rush, watching the game and then coming home to a nice clean house,

after all i had been planning zayden's birthday adventure for months and i couldn't wait for it.
(this year i am steering away from toys for gifts and trying to do experiences)

the ONLY thing that went to plan in all that was having ice-cream.

and it all started from the moment we woke up.

chaos swept through our household.

we were late to the baptism, without having a decent breakfast or any snacks being packed.

we had to come home from the baptism because i forgot the boys jerseys for the waratahs game.

drove to the city and got stuck in the most ridiculous traffic it took us 30 mins to get over the bridge.

whilst we were in this traffic i realised i left the tickets for the game at home.

the parking i thought was cheap on weekends wasn't, so we had to pay a ridiculous amount.

we got absolutely soaked walking to the aquarium because we forgot umbrellas.

we went through the aquarium in maybe 2 hours 

(and that was jevan and i trying to make it longer).

the boys only were interested in the penguin exhibition, sharks and sting rays.

the penguin exhibition was unreal.

penguins are now my new favourite animal because of it, 

they are hilarious animals !

they did love their ice-cream cones.

we rushed home to get the tickets and then fed the boys in the car on the way.

jevan and i were trying to find this street parking we had parked at last time

(because it was free.)

whilst doing this jevan went from a turning lane to a going straight lane 

and got flashed by a red light camera because the turning lane had gone red.

SO FRUSTRATING because we weren't even turning.

and then we still had to park in the paid parking area.

WOW.

this day was a day to remember.

and then zayden today had the hid to ask me when we were going back to the aquarium to see the penguins because it was so much fun,

when all the boy wanted to do while we were there was go on a ferry.

not all memories have to have a wonderful story.

because this is a day i will never forget.

Tah's Mascots

on the weekend the two older boys got asked if they wanted to be waratah player mascots.

this means they got to run on to the field with a waratah player.

jevan and i thought this was such an awesome thing to be asked.

we asked the boys if they wanted to do it.

makai could hardly hold his excitement in.

braxton was like argh, if you want me to - oh look i found my superman.

their responses pretty much summed up how they entered the field that night.

makai had a job to do and he did that job with preciseness.

his face was set to mission mode and he delivered his player to the field without a hiccup.

he didn't even stop to say goodbye to the player.

he let his hand go and ran to the other side because that's where was told to

and that's where his mission ended.

braxton came almost skipping out of the tunnel,

i think his player was holding his hand telling him where to go.

as braxton ran past the fireworks set up they went off.

the boy literally stopped running to watch the fireworks go off

because of this he held up the line running to the other side.

i was laughing so so hard.

i could see braxton face of excitement over the fireworks.

once we got them back,

makai was so excited that he got to hold a real life rugby players hand.

braxton was so excited that he got to be right near fireworks.

"mum do you know that fireworks have actual fire in them and that they are hot."

i love love love how different my boys are.

jevan and i were laughing while they were waiting in the tunnel.

we could imagine makai not making any discussion with his player because makai had been asked to do something and nothing was going to distract him from that.

braxton would have been talking his players head off asking the most random questions like

"why do you play for the waratahs? why is your shirt blue but your flower is red? why do bees have stingers on the end?"

this has been a bucket list item ticked for these two boys.

unfortunately we were sitting way too far away for photos, 

we did video for it to show them when they are older.

but thankfully new rugby put these up on their website.

(note makai's determination plastered his face)

(see that little person in the white shirt behind the brown legs,

with the waratah's player looking down

that's bracky probably asking his one millionth question for the night.)

Pity Party For One

pre-warning - this is a total pity party post.

at some point in life you sit down and think

what the heck did i do wrong?

and for me that is where i am at.

you have your life planned out.

every choice and every decision.

you feel like you path is set and 

if you do all those things you set that your life will be every think you dreamed it to be.

unfortunately real life doesn't always work out that way.

there are obstacles placed in your front of your dreams and your hopes.

there are roadblocks and de-tours.

u-turns and roundabouts.

its hard not to loose faith that everything will maybe,

just maybe lead to that dream that you had.

being an adult is hard.

trying to make financial ends meet sometimes is even harder.

trying to give your children the life you dreamed, hoped and planned for them is the most hardest.

especially when time after time you feel like the roadblocks, detours, u-turns and roundabouts are always endless and there is no end in sight.

there are disappointments,

there is tears,

there is heartaches,

this is what i call real life.

real life is hard,

it can slap you in the face when you least expect it.

it also overstays its welcome.

you get on social media and see all these people leading these perfect lives.

then you think to yourself,

"what did i do so wrong, where did i stuff up?!"

i was told time after time

"don't wish to grow up so quickly"

and i wish i had listened,

because doing this adult thing quite simple sucks.

it's not easy.

it's so hard and when you feel you are in the by yourself it makes it even more hard.

i look at my beautiful boys and although we do have a good life,

i wanted to give them the best life i could have possibly give.

they deserve that, they deserve nothing but the best.

i miss the days of thinking to myself what piece of clothing can i buy myself this week,

now i can't even remember when i got a piece of clothing for myself,

especially a piece of clothing that wasn't on the sale rack at kmart.

i miss the days of going out to dinner on the weekend or getting takeout without worrying about how much it costed,

now we have to keep all our receipts throughout the week and add them up to see if we can even get $5 pizza's.

i feel sometimes i get judge me because i'm a renter.

and yes i totally judge myself because i don't have a house but sydney is crazy.

even if i wanted to own a house i couldn't because the banks 

are ridiculous and you have to be a bazillionaire.

i read a quote this week that said

"if you could see the size of the blessing that was coming 

you would understand the magnitude of the battle you are fighting."

and i thought yes, that would be so much easier.

so show me the size of the blessing, dang it.

we have been taught to just hold on that little longer to understand.

i think right now all thats left holding that cliff is my pointer finger.

life is hard.

i feel i look around me and everyone has worked the answer out,

and whatever i do it just doesn't seem to work in my favour.

my boys (including my biggest) are my world and my rocks.

nothing will ever change that

and i will be forever grateful for them.

Valentines Day

the more i get older my view of special dates changes.

the way i want to celebrate or the gifts i would like the receive have completely done a 180.

presents always use to take priority (the more the better) and a smchancy dinner/dessert/activity.

because jevan and i don't have much money 

a simple text message throughout the day makes me just as happy.

making a breakfast (even if it's the only one jevan can cook)

the breakfast i'm referring to is french toast.

getting craft made from the boys during their day at school.

braxton running in to give me a flower he picked "especially for you mum."

makai telling me he loves me at random points throughout the day.

making heart pancakes with zayden for morning tea.

these are my most favourite ways to spend my special dates in my life.

don't get me wrong i still LOVE presents

and when we are rich again (when my boys are all grown)

i will love getting them again.

but for now i am learning that the most simple acts mean the absolute most to me.

and those are the memories that i will treasure long after all my boys are grown.

Kindergartener '17

bracky's big day came.

he is now an official kindergartener.

this little boy has been on emotional rollercoaster for the last couple of days.

there have been hysterical laughs which turn into tears.

this boy is my sensitive one.

he feels deeply on the inside but you can't tell whats going on from the outside.

so in his moments of silence he has come up to me and given me a big hug or a kiss on the cheek or he has expressed some of his fears about beginning kindy in quiet moments together.

he was scared of not knowing where the toilets were or not finding friends.

but today he put his collared shirt buttoned up, navy shorts, white socks, black shoes on and he has never looked more handsome or more prepared.

he was so excited and couldn't wait to leave for kindy.

we got to school and he walked in side by side with his big brother.

makai showed him where the toilets were incase he needed to go and the bin so he could put his rubbish away.

the bell ran and it was time for braxton to line up,

this is where the emotions and fears set in

(for both he and i)

i took him over to his line and he looked up at me with his big braxton eyes

and wrapped his arms around me and gave me the biggest braxton hug.

i'm not sure if he was hugging for himself or hugging for me.

with tears in my eyes we pulled away and he went to his spot in line.

the teacher said to the kids to give your parents one last hug and my dear sweet braxton ran up and gave me another hug but this time i was able to let him go more easily 

because i knew he was ready to go and conquer this new big journey

he is embarking on.

he has no idea how amazing he is going to become.

he is my mini-me.

i will always get him and he will always get me.

i will miss him each day,

he is the one that will come and randomly give me a hug or kiss on the cheek when i'm feeling a little down or i'm a little quite.

he makes me laugh with the little cheeky things he does.

i know he is ready to take on the world and the world will be better for having him in it.