Pity Party For One

pre-warning - this is a total pity party post.

at some point in life you sit down and think

what the heck did i do wrong?

and for me that is where i am at.

you have your life planned out.

every choice and every decision.

you feel like you path is set and 

if you do all those things you set that your life will be every think you dreamed it to be.

unfortunately real life doesn't always work out that way.

there are obstacles placed in your front of your dreams and your hopes.

there are roadblocks and de-tours.

u-turns and roundabouts.

its hard not to loose faith that everything will maybe,

just maybe lead to that dream that you had.

being an adult is hard.

trying to make financial ends meet sometimes is even harder.

trying to give your children the life you dreamed, hoped and planned for them is the most hardest.

especially when time after time you feel like the roadblocks, detours, u-turns and roundabouts are always endless and there is no end in sight.

there are disappointments,

there is tears,

there is heartaches,

this is what i call real life.

real life is hard,

it can slap you in the face when you least expect it.

it also overstays its welcome.

you get on social media and see all these people leading these perfect lives.

then you think to yourself,

"what did i do so wrong, where did i stuff up?!"

i was told time after time

"don't wish to grow up so quickly"

and i wish i had listened,

because doing this adult thing quite simple sucks.

it's not easy.

it's so hard and when you feel you are in the by yourself it makes it even more hard.

i look at my beautiful boys and although we do have a good life,

i wanted to give them the best life i could have possibly give.

they deserve that, they deserve nothing but the best.

i miss the days of thinking to myself what piece of clothing can i buy myself this week,

now i can't even remember when i got a piece of clothing for myself,

especially a piece of clothing that wasn't on the sale rack at kmart.

i miss the days of going out to dinner on the weekend or getting takeout without worrying about how much it costed,

now we have to keep all our receipts throughout the week and add them up to see if we can even get $5 pizza's.

i feel sometimes i get judge me because i'm a renter.

and yes i totally judge myself because i don't have a house but sydney is crazy.

even if i wanted to own a house i couldn't because the banks 

are ridiculous and you have to be a bazillionaire.

i read a quote this week that said

"if you could see the size of the blessing that was coming 

you would understand the magnitude of the battle you are fighting."

and i thought yes, that would be so much easier.

so show me the size of the blessing, dang it.

we have been taught to just hold on that little longer to understand.

i think right now all thats left holding that cliff is my pointer finger.

life is hard.

i feel i look around me and everyone has worked the answer out,

and whatever i do it just doesn't seem to work in my favour.

my boys (including my biggest) are my world and my rocks.

nothing will ever change that

and i will be forever grateful for them.