Before Here

i always find myself thinking at this stage of pregnancy of my little boy in the pre-existence waiting for his time to come down to earth.

i wonder who is there with him giving him his final talk, his final hug and his final goodbye as he prepares to enter his next stage of the plan.

i wonder if he's scared or nervous, or is so excited he is bounding around there with joy and happiness and determination that he will make it back.

i get overwhelmed to think that i get entrusted with this little person.

jevan and i have the most sacred responsibility to get him back to where he needs to be.

i wonder if he knows the trials he will face and knows all the temptation that he will face.

i always have this precious picture in my mind, which always brings tears to my eyes of his uncle and papa giving him his last goodbyes and final messages as he looks back at them for the last time for a season of his life.

i am incredibly grateful to have the opportunity to be a mother.

yep, my boys drive me insane at times.

but they chose to come to me, to know that they believed in me enough to get them back to where they need to go gives me the strength i need to keep going and enduring anything trial that is thrown my way.

New Year, New Resolution

as every new year begins jevan and i sit down and set goals.

we set them for ourselves, our children and our family.

since late teenage-hood to even today i have struggled with my body image, my weight, my facial hair, my breakouts, my thighs and butt really just hate me.

and for this reason and this reason alone i do not own a pair of scales.

i cannot jump onto a pair of scales because if i am over my ideal number i will pull back on what i am eating, by no means is this ok.

i should be happy with myself and what i look like.

i can't look at magazines because photoshop does wonders and the people in there look AMAZING.

i know that it's not real because of all the airbrushing that goes on.

but it still doesn't help mentally how i feel or think about myself.

i don't know why the media can't embrace women's natural figures and even cellulite.

it would help us non-celebrity folk to feel that we are doing ok.

jevan tells me how beautiful i look everyday - even when i just want to crawl up in a ball because im having a "fat" day.

so this year my goal is to be happy with my self and my body.

i want to be happy with who i am and what i look like.

be able to wear whatever i feel like and feel confident in what i am wearing.

i don't write this for sympathy or for the "but you look great" comments.

i write this simply to let other women that put this pressure on themselves that you are beautiful and hi-5 to cellulite and curvaceous figures, we are healthy and that is all that matters.