Personal Battles

as a teenager i really struggled.

i struggled about finding who i was,

what i was good at,

what my worth is,

all those soul searching questions.

i was ok with the fact that i wasn't receiving any answers to these questions,

 i knew that for sure by the time i was an adult and had my own family i would have these all figured out.

as an adult i've come to realise that i still don't have these answers yet.

i find it harder sometimes now then i did as a teenager because i'm on my own.

i don't have parents to hide behind,

i am the parent with boys looking to me for these answers.

i can't tell you one aspect of my life where i feel like yes, i've got this.

sometimes i just want to curl up in a ball and tell my pillow all my worries.

(confession - i sometimes do)

i feel like i'm in a pause mode while everyone around me is in fast forward.
it's really hard when everyone looks like they have it all together.

i struggle with my insecurities and my weakness's.

i really struggle with putting myself out there,

i am a quiet and reserved person

and because of this i really struggle with being social.

i know it sounds ridiculous because how hard can it be to talk to people,

but for me (especially in groups of people) i find it really really hard.

it's one of the things i try my hardest to do but most of the time i just can't.

people sometimes judge me as being rude because of this,

but this isn't the case at all.

you wouldn't believe the fear and doubt that is already going on in my mind without the judgments of others.

then i get the mother guilt because i think my boys won't have friends because of me,

it honestly never stops.

i am starting to learn and be more aware of the fact that we don't know what people are dealing with.

just because we can't see anything or they don't make a big deal about it,

doesn't mean that they aren't fighting their own battle deep within themselves.

they are the hardest battles to fight 

because noone knows

and even sometimes when they do they can't help because only you can pull yourself to victory from it.